Don’t Order the McG

Where do I even start with this one? Tom Hardy is usually great in things he’s in. He also makes pretty good decisions on what to be in. Chris Pine, while being more hit or miss, has the confident bravado needed to pull off a role like this.
I think I’m trying to rationalize why I saw this. Let me just tell you what it’s about.

This Means War is the story of two CIA agents, Tuck (Hardy) and FDR (Pine), who are best friends and always have each other’s back. Until they both separately meet and become interested in Lauren (Reese Witherspoon). Then the two friends become rivals and compete for Lauren’s affection.


YAY :

  • Tom Hardy and Chris Pine are the only good part about this mess. They’re both promising young actors that could have made a very fun movie given a better script.
  • There’s a joke where someone refers to Chelsea Handler as an old man.

NAY:

  • The plot of Safe House made me think it was written by a 15 year old. After seeing This Means War I’m fairly certain a kid wrote all of the parts that didn’t involve Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler most likely wrote her own parts, because she sucks and nothing she says is funny.
  • Tuck and FDR spy on Lauren to find out what she’s into. Tuck finds out she thinks he’s too safe so he takes her paintballing and systematically decimates the high school kids playing. AND THAT WORKS?! Wouldn’t she be weirded out that A.) he just went off on a bunch of teenagers, and B.) he was taking it way too seriously? She thinks FDR doesn’t care about anyone but himself, so he takes her to a dog shelter and adopts an old dog that’s blind in one eye. AND THAT WORKS?! How cliché of an idiot is Lauren? Apparently very much so.
  • How is Lauren friends with Chelsea Handler’s character? I’m pretty sure they didn’t work together. Lauren didn’t have kids, and she wasn’t married. It just doesn’t add up. In the trailer I thought she was her sister, but she’s not. She’s not her sister right?
  • Speaking of Lauren I don’t believe Reese Witherspoon would have two guys fighting over her like this, especially two guys that just met her and are best friends. Was Amber Heard not available? Because them fighting over her I would believe.
  • Two other things that stick out that are just completely unbelievable: Tuck shoots a drone down right behind Lauren’s head then tells her the car backfired and she just goes with it. Later in the movie Tuck and FDR are part of a televised chase that prompts Tuck’s son to say “is that dad?” while watching TV. Unless that kid can see through the roof of a parking garage and through explosions then he has no idea who’s in there. He must have read the script.

This Means War is a bad movie. I thought the two lead actors could make it an enjoyable movie going experience, but i was very wrong. The only way you’ll like this is if you appreciate Handler’s style of humor AND you enjoy having your intelligence insulted.

 

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