China,IL – The Perfect Lecture

china il perfect lectureThere hasn’t been any sort of season long episode recaps in this here parts for a while. It’s high time that changed. Why am I talking like this?

In the first episode of season two of China, IL Frank becomes obsessed with, and then addicted to, giving the perfect lecture. He gets a cue from a baseball player’s superstition that in order to have the same result he has to have the same routine beforehand EVERY TIME. Steve is on the hunt for some student boo-tay (I was originally going to say poon, wait, I just did). And Pony is obsessed with her being “old”/getting older when a younger student tells her he has to use his hotness on younger fresh girls.

Oh shit, and there’s a “D” story where Babycakes makes a new energy bar that he’s trying to market. That’s what 22 minutes gives you! A-B-C? PSSSH!! More like A-B-C-D!!

Spoiler Alert: Frank goes crazy and does things like shits in front of a specific “Bullseye” employee, pukes in a “Chilibee’s”, stabs his neighbor in the face, and jacks it with no result until the sun comes up every night. Steve, mostly because of Frank’s obsession, doesn’t get laid for a while, until he does. Pony realizes she has a lot of time of not being old left. And Babycakes gets his bars (with flavors like “Girl Hair”) picked up by the company that originally shuns him, then the FDA shuts it down.

It was the funniest thing I have seen on television in a while.


Student guy – “I heard God is like really mad at this place!”

Student girl – “Frank’s a terrible teacher. No dad, pure uncle.”

Hannibal Burress. You have to love that guy.

Steve – “Oh man, that kid is really, just going to stab us in our beds one night. You can see that right?”

Sammy – “Oh lord, not another 9/11!”

Pony – “So what about you? Did you get consent to f**k that student I saw you with?”
Steve – “Eh, it’s a slow boil”

Baby Cakes’ ‘depression potion’ is a pitcher of vodka.

Steve – ” Whoa, Gwen’s Facebook pics are pretty revealing. Cancuuun.”

Frank – “So, anyway, I had Bullock on the brain, so I started jacking off right? But, the night, I kept thinking about the night and it threw me off. So, I like, jacked off for five hours. So I never climaxed. I heard the cock crow and I just rushed to school.”

Frank’s decent into madness which involves him breaking into the Chilibee’s to drink more “margs” so he can barf them up, crashing into the Bullseye employees car so he can shit in front of her, and lying to his neighbor so Frank can stab him in the face.

Frank – “OK, you know how this works. You slap me. I pay you.”

Frank – “Just looking at me right now is f**king up your self esteem”

Nine Volt Battery, Girl Hair, and Bathing Suit Area were some of Baby Cakes’ flavor ideas.

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